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    接納自己是對自己最大的仁慈

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    說好的燒肉吶 發表于 2014-8-29 16:30:28 | 只看該作者 回帖獎勵 |倒序瀏覽 |閱讀模式
      
      每個人都是對自己最好的人。這是個毫無爭議的原定理。

      我過去總是想用飛黃騰達的方式對自己示好。我想讓自己優秀得出乎意料,巨有錢,巨有才,巨有地位,以便讓別人對我刮目相看。我得把自己捌飭得巨有能耐才能達到這樣的目的。

      看電影的時候,銀幕上的李連杰身手太不凡了,一個營的人和他過招他也不怕,把所有的對手打得屁滾尿流。我就想,我若是有這樣的能耐就好了,我就誰也不怕啦,老板見了我也得低三下四了,流氓小偷什么的見我還不得趕快喊我姑奶奶,要是我老公不聽我的話,我就來一個這樣的身手,保管他向我求饒。

      可是,在這個過程中我發現自己的毛病太多了,缺乏的能耐太多了,比別人低能的地方太多了。這樣的發現越發讓我努力拼搏,天天向上,我想流下比別人多些的汗水彌補我的欠缺。可是,我發現這還是杯水車薪,我根本比不過太多的人,在一些領域,我簡直就是最弱小的那一撥人。

      倒是我天天向上的欲望讓我著急,讓我焦慮和煩躁,讓我的內心總像個小動物似的靜不下來。再后來,我發現只要我安靜不下來,我就不會幸福。何止是不會幸福,安靜不下來一定就會導致痛苦。我從來沒有在焦慮中感受到開心和快樂。

      我過去的生活狀態,完全可以拿開快車作比喻。每一次我開車,需要在短時間內抵達目的地,我開車的過程就會萬分焦慮,紅燈來了我就要煩死,恨不得越過前面的車子,像電影里面的飛車手趕到前面去。我太想多快好省啦,太想像國際飛車比賽中的快車手那樣擁有絕技,然后獲得別人的肯定。用這種樣式去開車,實踐的不僅僅是“欲速則不達”,這么一種成語中的必然規律,還會撞車,再快了就會被撞死。

      真實的情況是這樣的:我的車技太平常,我從來不是個飛車手,我甚至連個有經驗的司機都不是;現實還告訴我,十字路口和非十字路口有太多的路況,不是很好或者很不好。紅燈的時候我必須等,必須排隊,不排隊,就要撞上別的車。把車撞壞再去修,其實是一個很不經濟的行為方式,很不好玩。
      從來沒有在急躁的開車之中,體會到行駛的快感。生活在急躁之中的我,也同樣體味不到生活的快感。

      那一天,印尼發生海嘯,李連杰恰巧在印尼玩耍。那一天,李連杰差點被海水吞噬。李連杰能躲開死神,完全不是靠他的絕技,而是他的運氣。身懷絕技的李連杰在大自然面前也是條蟲子,海水淹死他原本也像淹死一只雞。是的,生活是和大自然一樣的龐然大物,小小的人類哪有什么超自然的絕技?
      我開始試著接納自己。我開始允許事情在我的身上發生。我覺得很多東西不是我能掌控的,比如,我美貌比不過別人,我就接納自己的不美;比如,我才智不如哲學家,我就做個哲學家的粉絲。

      我甚至在諸多方面比不過送水的、配鑰匙的,比如他們的耐力與承受力,他們的細致,我就不具備,我就允許自己的虛弱。我在物質生活中連個普通的女人都不能比,她們能做很多好吃的、好玩的,可我除了寫字什么也不會。我木訥于和別人的交往,這必須得忍受更多的寂寞,我就安穩于自己選擇的這種寂寞……

      我的基因中有著所有祖先匯集起來的集體潛意識,我的很多罪性源于這種千萬年的集體潛意識的積累。我得允許自己接納這樣的罪性。人類的諸多痛苦基因,就深埋于我正在短暫活著的生命之中,我的一些痛苦源于我是人類這個事實。我要允許我是有痛苦有弱點的人類這么一個事實。

      現在我開始學著接納自己,不跟自己著急。我技不如人了,我就允許自己技不如人;如果因為某件事情生氣了,我就允許自己生氣,生氣是人的七情之一嘛。別人對我冷漠了,這太正常了,我不也冷漠著太多的人嘛。就是我丟錢了,我也試著讓自己快快安下心來,無常原本就是最大的正常嘛。

      一旦我發現接納了自己,我發現那些生著的氣一下子就沒了,就像氣球被扎破了一個孔,里面的空氣開始消散,它就癟下去了。

      我正在做著這樣的修持。我在這樣的修持中得到的好處,就是一點一點地學會了安靜,學會了不和別人比較,學會了一點一點回歸自己。我還經常發現我有向外的欲望在擴張,我也允許它們的存在。我知道現在的我還處在與這樣欲望的共存之中。我一點一點進化著自己,在偉大的哲學和巨無霸的生活之中。

      我知道這是我對自己最大的仁慈。是的,接納自己,是所有仁慈當中,對自己最寬厚最溫暖的仁慈。





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